Imagine you
are on a first date. Let’s say, you’re a woman. You just finished dinner and
now it’s time to pay. Do you reach for your purse? If you’re a man, would you
get offended or would you be pleased if the woman reached for her purse? Who ends
up paying, and more importantly, who should?
We have
come to an awkward age where both men and women don’t know what to do about
chivalry. It’s not dead, many people still practice it, but the responses to it
vary all over the map. Some women get offended if a man holds open a door for
her or helps her lift something heavy. Some men feel emasculated if a woman pays
for him instead. What do we do about chivalry today? Is it a form of sexism? Or is it just nice manners?
Here’s a
little history lesson of how chivalry began. Chivalry arose as a response to
the Middle Ages, which was a violent and barbaric time. In her article, “Let’s
Give Chivalry Another Chance," Emily Esfahani Smith wrote, “It cautioned men to
temper their aggression, deploying it only in appropriate circumstances—like to
protect the physically weak and defenseless members of society.” She argues
that since most men are physically stronger than women, “Gentlemen developed
symbolic practices to communicate to women that they would not inflict harm
upon them and would even protect them against harm.” Their protection showed
how much they valued women.
Since the
Women’s Liberation Movement in the 1960s, women have pushed to be equal with
men. Today, this equality is not quite met, but things have greatly changed.
Many women work and support themselves and they have higher wages than fifty years
ago.
Courting
used to take place in the home where a woman would give permission for a man to
call on her. He came to her home in the presence of the family. Things changed
roughly about 100 years ago when courting moved from the home to outside. Since
the majority of women did not work (and those who did couldn’t afford to
support themselves), men “took care” of the women. It was seen as respectful to
pay for a woman who couldn’t pay for herself.
Women for the vast majority of
history in many cultures have been seen as fragile, weak, and in need of protection. This same view was
true of women in America until the feminist movement when women joined the
workforce and wanted equality.
Today, our
culture is filled with independent women who don’t need to rely on men for
anything. Women can even get sperm donors if they want a child without having
to be with a man. Women defy the image of being weak and helpless. Because of
these feminist movements, men have blamed women for the decline in chivalry. Yet,
I’ve heard many women blame men, believing that they should still be
respectful. Also, there is a new belief that chivalry is benevolent sexism.
Smith
examines this new perspective on male chivalry, “Chivalrous behavior is
benevolent because it flatters women and leads to their preferential treatment.
But it is sexist because it relies on the "gendered premise" that
women are weak and in need of protection while men are strong.” In Ian Steward’s
article, “When Chivalry Became the New Sexim,” he interviewed Olivia Lubbock,
who was part of a feminist parody of the pop song Blurred Lines. She sees
benevolent sexism in the workplace when men help her to lift boxes, because she
can do it herself. She also says that anyone should be able to hold open a door
for someone else, not just men for women.
In a
society filled with strong independent women, they want to prove that they don’t
need a man helping them do anything. But there are nice men who genuinely just
want to be respectful and polite, yet it is taken the wrong way. It is either
seen as sexist, or it is believed the man has a hidden agenda.
What Charles
Murray, the libertarian social scientist at the American Enterprise Institute, found
was “the bad news is that gentlemanly behavior makes people happy.” It was found
that “chivalry is associated with greater life satisfaction and the sense that
the world is fair, well-ordered, and a good place.”
So, if both
men and women want chivalry, but there is much tension about it, what should
happen? I would like to take a different stance on the equality of the feminist
movement. Yes, women are independent, strong, and wonderful, but no, they don’t
need to only rely on themselves without accepting help. Similarly, men should
allow women to help them as well, instead of thinking their masculinity is
being threatened.
Smith
describes chivalry as this: “Chivalry is about respect. It is about not harming
or hurting others, especially those who are more vulnerable than you. It is
about putting other people first and serving others often in a heroic or
courageous manner. It is about being polite and courteous.”
Both sexes
are capable of being chivalrous, but we need to look at it differently today
than it has been in the past. Men and women can take care of each other. Both can
open doors, both can help each lift something heavy, both can figure out who
pays or how to split the bill. And both should accept the chivalry, or
courtesy, when it is offered.
I highly recommend Emily Esfahani Smith's article, "Let's Give Chivalry Another Chance."
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