The chase –
one of the most exciting parts of dating. Smiling whenever you receive a text
or phone call, looking forward to and being equally nervous about the first
date, trying to figure out how interested the other person is. It’s exciting,
and sometimes very disappointing, but it’s part of our dating culture. It’s
what we’ve been taught since birth: guy pursues girls, wins her over by wooing
and courting, and then guy gets girl.
In a
society that’s becoming more and more feminist and gender-equality friendly,
this idea of the pursuit might seem misogynistic. As my favorite Disney
princess Jasmine said, “I am not a prize to be won.” Yet it still feels that
men (not all men) try to win women and treat them as prizes.
In Arthur
Chu’s article, “Your Princess Is in Another Castle: Misogyny, Entitlement, and
Nerds,” he explains this concept from a nerdy guy’s perspective. He says that
nerds (not all) want women who are “out of their league.” Either the really hot girl, or
the one who seems unattainable and would never notice him. They try to obtain
these girls and then complain about how snobbish the girl is if they don’t
succeed. He says that he knows too many men who just want to get laid and will
go to extraordinary lengths to achieve this goal, such as stalking, giving
unsolicited gifts and attention, and straight out harassing women.
Chu feels
that this kind of entitlement and misogyny is what reinforces rape culture. Men
want something and feel that they are entitled to it, so they either get what
they want by force or are resentful if they don’t. Chu knows not all men are
like this, but he is giving a general example based on too many incidents that
have occurred. He explains what he thinks will help men who don’t get what they
want: “None of us nerdy frustrated guys need to get laid. When I was an asshole
with rants full of self-pity and entitlement, getting laid would not have
helped me.” He finishes this thought by saying that men who have this mentality
need to grow up.
But
pursuing a girl isn’t always about getting laid for men, even if that is some
expectation along the way. The article “Why Do Men Like a Chase?” explains that
the primary reason men chase women is for their own ego. Men are competitive,
and if they are able to win over a great girl, it’s a huge boost in their ego.
He feels better about himself and feels like he has more worth if a girl who he
finds worthy accepts him, and even better yet, wants him as much as he wants
her. This is an understandable feeling, and I think a lot of women feel like
they have more worth if a man puts a lot of effort into pursuing her.
Though men
and women may complain about the pursuing game, I think Erik Washman states it
perfectly in “How to Pursue a Woman’s Heart” – “Let’s start with the assumption
that the ideal romantic situation is one in which a man pursues the heart of
woman… Before all the sparks and butterflies cloud our vision, let’s get a
handle on the following: (a) what we want (b) how far we’re willing to go to
get it, and (c) being prepared for the consequences.”
He said it’s
good for both men and women to make lists to figure out exactly what you want.
As soon as you discover your partner is not who you want, you should end it
early on. Putting effort into a relationship, whether new or ongoing, is
extremely important for both people. During the pursuit, a man may feel like he
is making all the effort. I think it’s important for women to meet a man
halfway, and if someone else isn’t putting as much effort as you, then maybe
you should consider finding someone else who will. Washman adds that when you’re
a man trying to go the distance to pursue a girl, it should come from your
heart and be because you want to do those things for her, not because you are
obligated to. He says, “If you feel as though you are being taken advantage of,
then your heart is not in it. You are no longer pursuing her; you’re just
trying to make an impression.”
Lastly, the
most important part of dating is how you deal with rejection. No one likes
rejection, but it’s something that every single person at some time faces.
Though it is difficult to deal with, especially if you feel like all you’ve
known is rejection, it could be possible you’ve been looking in the wrong
places, or maybe need to learn more about how much you are worth (which is most
likely more than you think).
Washman’s
advice to men is, “If a woman turns down a date without suggesting an
alternative plan, then she is not interested. You need to let it go at that.
Pursuing her will get you nowhere... She’s not interested.” To women, he says, “If
you are not interested in getting to know a man, then come right out with it.
Early on. If you are interested in being pursued, then don’t make it too easy.
A woman’s heart is truly something to be won. If a man is worthy of you, then
he will be prepared to go the distance.”
If a woman
is not interested in you, odds are that nothing you do can change that, and you
shouldn’t blame her for that. If she is unsure of what she wants, then by all
means, go ahead and take a risk with her. But if she has at any point rejected
you or made her lack of interest clear, then have the dignity to walk away and
find someone else who appreciates your efforts and likes you for who you are.
It may not be easy, but at least she’ll have more respect for you, and more
importantly, you can have respect for yourself.
Women as
sex objects are not prizes to be won. Women as people shouldn’t be won either.
But a woman’s heart is the best prize to win when done right. As Washman puts
it, “Romantic pursuit is not about who calls whom. It’s not about sending
flowers. It’s about a man showing a woman that he is ready to face the
challenges to win her heart.”
Sources:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/05/27/your-princess-is-in-another-castle-misogyny-entitlement-and-nerds.html
http://www.catholicmatch.com/institute/2013/08/how-to-pursue-a-womans-heart/
http://www.lovepanky.com/women/dating-men-tips-for-women/why-do-men-like-a-chase
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