“A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep.”
―
Vernon Howard
I have a
friend who loves having the approval of others. She is deeply affected by her
parent’s opinions of her, cares a lot about her appearance on social media, and
just always wants to know she is liked by the people she cares about. She’s the
kind of person who will take a picture and ask, “Is this facebook worthy cute?”
She baffles me, because she’s such a confident person, who is not easily
brought down by negativity, yet she can’t help how much she cares about what
others think.
Then I have
another friend, who I considered my partner in crime in college. She always
seemed to me like she genuinely didn’t care what anyone thought of her. I
admired her for that and wanted to be more like her. She wore what she wanted,
styled her hair in crazy ways, said and did what she wanted, and always I had
the “I don’t give a f***” attitude. She brought me out of my shell a lot, but
it turns out that she cares so much about what others think of her. I think
that people who try the hardest not to care are the ones who care the most.
When faced
with the approval or opinions of others, I think there are four types of people:
1) I genuinely don’t care what anyone thinks, 2) I care about what people think,
3) I pretend like I really don’t care, but I really do care what people think,
4) I’m trying to not care what people think, even though I often do. To some
degree, we all care what others think, but have different ways of coping with
it.
Before we
can understand why we care about what others think of us, there’s a few things
to know first. CEO of YourCoach, Tom Ferry, explains that there are two types
of decision makers – internal and external. Internal decision makers “self-analyze
every step, every option, every possible outcome and never talk it through with
others... they choose to make their decisions on their own as a way of avoiding
being rejected.” External decision makers are considered team players who “constantly
seek the opinions of others, asking for their approval… They simply can't move
forward without the validation from others.” Both types are affected by either
the approval or fear of disapproval of others.
Michael J
Formica further explains that we all have an inside and an outside – “Our
interior landscape is our subjective experience of our authentic self, while
our exterior landscape is a product of our worldview.” We need to balance both
to live healthy lives. We need to look inward to truly be ourselves, but also
outward to learn about others and the world, and take into consideration the
beliefs and opinions of others. Both can be sources of growth, but if you go
too inward, you can stop caring about others and the world all together, and if
you go too outward, you can care too much.
To go a
little deeper, Formica says we have an essential nature and an ego-self. Our
essential nature includes our authentic self and values. Our ego-self is the
self-image, or social mask, we portray to others, and it is highly influenced
by others. It is a false self, “and it thrives on approval.” There are times
when the ego-self is appropriate, such as at work or professional settings, but
your authentic self is what you should always strive to be.
The
ego-self is what finally brings us to where are desire to be accepted, approved
of, and validated come from. It is fear based, meaning that we desire these
things because we fear being rejected. Our ego-self can change because it is
completely dependent on how others see us and want us to be. It’s a lot
more frightening to reveal your authentic self because if that person is
rejected, it will take a whole lot of effort and time to change who you are, if
you can change at all.
Whether we
want to accept it or not, “the desire for validation is one of the strongest
motivating forces known to man,” says life coach Jonathan Wells. He says that
we all have the need to “establish a physical and emotional sense of security.”
Feeling approved of and validated makes us feel secure with ourselves. From
birth, we mainly rely on the approval of our parents and other outside people
to grow, build self-esteem, and feel sure about our decisions. As we get older,
there has to be a shift for this approval to come from ourselves and not
others. This shift is not an easy one for many people to make, and can happen
at different stages of your life.
The best example
I can think of as someone who learned to care more about his self-approval is
my dad. He actually called me as I was researching this topic. When I told him
I was writing about why we care what others think of us, his response was, “Who’s
we? I don’t care what people think. It should be why some people care.” I
laughed, because my dad is among the most confident and self-assuring people I
know, but I know that even he seeks approval from others sometimes. I admire that
my dad started his own business twice, even though the first time was a
failure, and he had a lot of criticism about trying again. He didn’t let that
get to him. He cared more about what he wanted, his dreams and goals, rather
than the opinions of others. He told me once that even if no one supported him,
he’d still try running his own business because it has always been his dream.
Having support would make it easier, but not having it wouldn’t stop him.
But then I
remember the story of when he first started dating his wife. She didn’t want to
be with a guy who had tattoos, was gang affiliated, or drank a lot. My dad has
a past, so he fell into this category as a teenager, but left that lifestyle.
So, while trying to impress her and seeking her approval, he said he didn’t
have any tattoos. He had twelve tattoos at the time. He lied because he cared
about what she would think of him. He didn't want her to judge him as a bad guy just because of something superficial, because he was and is a great guy. We are all susceptible to others opinions of
us at certain times.
I think
that caring about what other people think can be healthy, such as at times when
you may be making bad decisions. You need the disapproval of others to lead you
back in the right direction. Also, positive approval from an employer or friend can be good motivation to let you know that you are doing a good job. But, you shouldn’t just rely on what others think
or say. Wells says, “If we remain dependent on external factors to feel
approved of, then we will always be emotionally vulnerable. Our self-esteem
would be in the hands of things that we have very little control over.”
Ferry
explains, “Approval from others gives us a higher sense of self-esteem. We’re
convinced that their recognition matters to our self-worth and how deeply we
value ourselves.” The truth is that the path to finding self-happiness starts
with self-approval, which comes from self-acceptance. If you can’t accept
yourself, it won’t matter if anyone else accepts you. Wells says, “When you
disapprove of yourself, all the external approval in the world cannot make up
for it.” In my own life, I’ve cared a lot about what my family thinks of me. I’ve
always been considered “the good one” and “the smart one.” To lose that
reputation would have devastated me. But then I discovered that there were
things I wanted to do, fun things, freeing things, that I didn’t feel bad
doing. Some of my family members disapproved of my new lifestyle choices, but I
knew that I approved of my choices and decisions, that they made me feel more
free, happy, and independent, and that matters more.
You know it’s
a problem when you care too much about the opinions of others if it is limiting
your own happiness. I would suggest making a list of the things you want, and
the way you want to be. Then write down what people would think or say if you
did these things or acted that way. Then it’s up to you to determine what’s
more important, the fear of being judged, or the potential happiness of being
your genuine self.
p.s. If you want some help not caring so much about what other think, Life Hack is here for the rescue: 10 Clear Reasons Why You Shouldn't Care What Others Think
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