"Sometimes the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you."- Unknown
Step 1: You can't. You deserve better anyway.
Step 2: Learn to love someone the right way.
For anyone
unfamiliar with the app Flipboard, it’s
basically a personalized magazine. You pick the topics you want to follow, such
as world events, psychology, religion, cat videos, etc. Then it will show you
articles related to this on your homepage, where you can read them or flip them
into one of your own “magazines” to read for later. I follow
is love, dating, and relationships (among many other topics), so it didn’t surprise me to stumble upon this article, “How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in Five Steps.” I’m under
the belief that you can’t make anyone fall in love with you, so this intrigued
me and I read it. It actually contained a lot of information that I’ve found
elsewhere, but the underlying message of it all deeply bothered me.
I’ve said
it before, but I’m no expert when it comes to love. Still, I hold very strong
beliefs on the topic. I believe there are ways to manipulate people to like
you, and there are signs to reveal someone else’s level of interest, but
you cannot make someone love you. Of the tricks I read, one is to make your
pupils larger (by dimming the light), because dilated pupils are attractive.
Another is that couples who are in love look at each other 75% of the time, as
opposed to 30-60% for people not in love. So, it was suggested to stare longer
at your love interest, which would hopefully trick their brain into thinking
they loved you.
Though, I
agree with the research behind this, I think it’s ridiculous to try to use this
information to trick someone into believing they love you. A few other
suggestions I found that were less creepy included smiling, showing your
partner appreciation, and listening. All these things can help someone else
feel cared for and therefore open enough to return the feelings. In my own
experience, I know I’ve made guys feel incredibly special just because I can be very
encouraging and positive. And I’ve gone crazy for guys who will listen to
everything I say, and who have amazing smiles. These aren’t outlandish ideas.
But these
suggestions are better suited to help increase intimacy between partners
struggling with it, not to manipulate someone to fall in love with you when
there’s not even an attraction there. Love is freely given and it cannot be
forced. What concerns me more is the audience that this type of article
attracts, and I have two messages for them, and for everyone who has wanted to
be loved by someone. The first involves what we should really be looking for,
and the second is the right way to get someone to love you.
Helen
Fisher, anthropologist, and author of several books on love, says that everyone
has a lovemap, which includes our values, beliefs, past experiences, etc. Our
lovemap is what leads us to love one person and not another. It’s all very
subconscious and something we don’t have a whole lot of control over (if any).
A lovemap is different to the very conscious lists we make when looking for a
partner, because our lists don’t contain a lot of subtleties like finding
someone whose hug reminds us of the way we were held as a child. We aren’t
aware of a lot of things on our lovemap, but just about everyone is aware of
the list of qualities they are looking for in a partner.
Our lists
of qualities change over time and with every new experience. Sometimes our
experiences cause us to abandon the stupid list because it never proved to be
much help anyway. Sometimes, we learn to modify the list, either creating
higher standards or letting go of some.
I’m very fond
of my ever changing list. Overall, I don’t think it’s changed a whole lot over
the years, more like some things become more or less important to me. I want
someone who makes me laugh, who’s intelligent and who I can have good
conversations with. Someone who is passionate about something. A compassionate,
caring person, who genuinely cares about people, and someone who respects me. I
could go on and on, but right now, at the top of my list is someone who reads,
which is another way of saying someone who will support me. This quality has
always been important, but it’s moved its way to the top because in my last
relationship, my boyfriend at the time stopped supporting me in my writing. It
devastated me and led to a two month hiatus for my blog. I thought to myself at
the time, if the person I care about, who supposedly cares about me too, doesn’t
want to read what I write, why would anyone else? It wasn’t a realistic or
healthy thing to think, but it’s still what I thought. So, now I desperately
want a reader and am quick to disregard anyone who doesn’t like to read.
Whether
consciously or subconsciously, we all have a list. When we meet someone who
fulfills even half of those requirements, or at least the most important ones,
we get super excited and hopeful and want to hold on to that person for dear
life. What if that person slips away and
I never find anyone else like that ever again? What if I lose that person and I’m
alone forever? That person is perfect and all I need. That person will make me
so happy. We think these thoughts when we stumble upon someone who seems
like they’d be perfect for us.
But what
happens when that person either doesn’t know you exist, or does but doesn’t
return the feelings? We go crazy. Our desire for that person usually intensifies,
and we convince ourselves that if we had that person, our lives would be
different, be better. “If only that person knew how perfect we’d be together,”
right? Thoughts like these prompt articles like the one mentioned above. We
just want them to love us back.
Well, I’m
going to be honest – that thought is pathetic and you should really be thinking
something else. I’m speaking to myself as well when I say this. Above all, the
thing that should be at the very top of your list is this – “Someone who sees
my worth and wants to be with me.” Number one spot. Let’s examine why.
Do you
think you are worth being wanted, worth being pursued, and worth being liked
for who you are? If you’ve answered no to any of those, then I hope you come to
love yourself more, because every single person is worth all those things. I’ve
come across a lot of articles that said to get someone to love you, you have to
find out what they like and become that. You have to be someone else, and
liked/loved for someone you are not. How does that make any sense? It usually
doesn’t take an article to convince us to do that, because we can do it well
enough on our own.
The same
above mentioned ex-boyfriend started out by being someone he wasn’t, and later
resented me for it. He liked that he didn’t come across many girls like me. He liked
that I was intelligent and a writer, and he wanted me to like him back. So, he
tried to become what I wanted. He took an initial interest in reading what I
wrote, and even reading a book I liked (even though he didn’t like to read in
general). He was also sure to lie about something I didn’t want, which was
someone who did any kind of drug. Progressively through our relationship, it
became harder for him to keep up the pretense. I wanted him to go to my
bookclub with me, and when he finally went, he said this isn’t who he was. He wasn't someone who liked to read, and didn't belong with me and my nerdy friends. He
also turned out to be someone who liked to smoke weed every day, which was
something I wasn’t okay with. In the end, he said I changed him, and he wanted
to be himself again. But I didn’t like who he actually was, and that’s not the
person he showed me at the beginning.
It’s
understandable to want someone to like you, but trying to manipulate them into
doing so is neither beneficial to you or the other person. Maybe it’s easy to
believe you have to become someone else because you don’t think anyone has ever
liked you for you. Maybe no one has ever seen the real you. Well, if people don’t
know the real you, then that’s because you’re too insecure to be yourself. If
you have shown yourself deeply to someone, but they rejected you, then it's understandable why you're scared to open up again, but I'll also add - forget that person! They obviously couldn’t see your worth. Someone
else will.
If you find
someone who you think is perfect for you, but they don’t want you, then you
deserve better. Yes, you deserve better than perfect, because you deserve to be
wanted and loved for you above all else. It doesn’t matter if he’s the funniest
guy you’ve ever met, or she’s incredibly intelligent, or if you think you had a
real connection. You should never have to convince someone to like you back,
and especially not to fall in love with you.
Love isn’t
something you can win or earn. It isn’t a feeling that can be controlled or
manipulated. It is something that is freely given, whether you feel like you
deserve it or not.
There’s a
story I heard from a famous Italian film, Cinema
Paradiso. The story goes that this young man was in love with this
beautiful girl, but she hardly noticed him and didn’t want him back. Still, he
was determined. I forget the specific details (it’s been a while since I’ve
seen it), but he said he would wait under her window for one hundred nights,
and if she opened the window, he’d know she loved him too, but if she kept it
closed, then he would leave her alone forever. So, rain or shine, he waited every
evening for her to open the window. After the ninety-ninth night, he didn’t
return for the last night. Why? Not because he gave up, but because he didn’t
want to earn her love in that way. He realized that she would either love him
or she wouldn’t, and that her love wasn’t a prize to be achieved after one
hundred nights of waiting.
I don’t
think that you can manipulate or trick someone into loving you, but I do
believe there is a right and wrong way to show your love and make someone feel
loved. In my own experience, I’ve been really successful at getting guys to
like me a lot really quickly, and even profess feelings of love for me. I know
that, though, when a guy has had no interest in me, there is nothing I could do
to get him to like me. I’m crazy, so I’ve definitely tried. All that results is
the guy usually getting creeped out by me, and then he's scared off forever.
When someone doesn’t want you, you can’t make them want you. And you shouldn’t.
As I said, you deserve better than that.
When
someone is interested in you, then I think there is a way to make that person
really feel cared for and special. Let me be clear. This isn’t and shouldn’t be
a way to trick them into loving you. It’s just one way among many that I think people should show
love and care for others. What it really comes down to is giving that person
something that everybody craves.
When I’m really
interested in someone, I find out what their passion is, and whether I’m
interested in it or not, I try and take an interest in it. My above mentioned
ex is also another good example of this. He loved cars. He loved taking them
apart, putting them together, fixing them, finding out what’s wrong with them,
and finding ways to improve them. He had the insecurity of feeling stupid in
general, but he was confident in his knowledge about cars. I have no interest
in cars whatsoever. To me, it’s a thing with wheels that takes you from point A
to point B. Still, he loved them and I cared about him, so I listened to him
talk about cars for literally hours. Seriously. I asked him questions to learn
about what he knew. This was a way of encouraging him and also a way to let him
know he wasn’t stupid, but in fact very smart when it came to cars and problem
solving. And as I mentioned, at the beginning, he took an interest in my
passion too by reading my posts as soon as they were up and talking to me
about the topics.
I do this
with everyone I’m really interested in, and it’s also something I expect from
anyone interested in me. When you find out what someone loves and show them
that you care about it too, then they feel more cared for. It brings me so much
happiness when I find someone who wants to read what I write, and not just my
blogs, but who also asks to read my stories and other musings. Writing is my
passion, and that doesn’t mean I want someone who is also passionate about
writing. On the contrary, I don’t want to be with a writer because I think
writers are crazy and there can’t be two crazy people in this relationship. But
I want someone who cares enough about me to care about what I love.
This
extends to many different aspects. If you’re a parent, you want to find someone
who will care about your kids, because of how much you love them. You don’t
expect to find someone who will love them as much as you, but you know you
couldn’t be with someone who didn’t like your kids. There are a million
different things it could be – music, cooking, dancing, architecture, etc.
These have to be more than just a hobby. It usually doesn’t matter if someone
doesn’t support your hobby, but it matters a great deal whether or not they
support your passion and what you love most.
Whenever I
have taken an interest in someone else’s passion, it always leads them to
having more favorable feelings for me. The deeper interest I take, then usually
the more they like me. But, I don’t take an interest so that they will like me.
I do it because I know how much they appreciate it and how happy it will make
them. I do it because it’s what I want someone to do for me. It makes people
feel special and cared for.
However, if
you cannot take an interest or support someone in their passion, then maybe you
shouldn’t be with that person. Some people are passionate about video games,
and if you hate video games, then it’s not a healthy start for a relationship.
Some people love drugs, drinking, and partying. If you can’t support that, then
find someone else with a love you can support. Additionally, if someone can’t
support your passion, then you deserve someone who will.
There are
obviously a million different ways to make someone feel cared for. It’s
important to note that there is a big difference between showing someone you
care and making them feel cared about. You can show someone you care in all the
wrong ways, and if they don’t feel cared for then it doesn’t matter. Supporting
what someone loves is just a very easy and tangible way to do this.
Everybody
wants to feel loved, wants to feel special, and wants to feel cared for.
Whatever way you find to make someone feel those things is the right way to
love them. It’s not the way to force your love upon them, trick their brain, or
manipulate their feelings. That is not love, because that is selfish, and love
is selfless. So maybe, instead of trying to find ways to make someone fall in
love with you, your energy would be better spent on finding
someone who will love you willingly, and then learning to love that person the
right way.
p.s. My best friend directed me to this beautiful letter a father wrote to his daughter. I thought it was very applicable: A daddy's letter to his little girl (about her future husband)
It's well worth the read.
Sources:
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