“Love is donating a chunk of your life to patch up holes in the life of another.”
―
Richelle E. Goodrich,
Slaying Dragons
I’m quickly
approaching the one year mark of being a server. It’s my first serving job, and
even though I don’t always enjoy it, I still really like my job. Not that I
want to do this for the rest of my life. I like my job for many reasons: good
management, great teamwork, positivity from most people there. But one of my
favorite things about where I work is a question that everyone asks with the
same exact words. Part of the teamwork at my job involves making sure tables
are taken care of. So, if someone is too busy to get or do something for a
table, they can ask nearly anyone else for help. And whenever help is asked
for, the question is always, “What do you need?”
I love that
question, because it’s not “what do you want?” It’s need. Of course, in a restaurant, ‘need’ may be too strong a word.
It’s not like the servers or the guests will die if they don’t get their coke
right away or their salad refill. I mean, the guests can be pretty impatient at
times, but let’s not be dramatic – no one’s going to die if napkins never get
to the table or if the food comes out a little late. Still, I love that
question, because it makes me feel like my co-workers are looking out for me.
In my last post,
I wrote about how I was unsure whether or not I love God, but I am sure that I
know how to love people. A few years ago, a close friend gave me one of the
best compliments I’ve ever received (and I’ve received a lot of compliments,
cause I’m just too amazing to not be complimented). He told me that I find out
what people need and I give it to them. I thought it was a very nice
observation and something that I didn’t know about myself nor believe half the
time. But for the most part, it’s a motto I try to live by. I believe that to
love people, you have to give them what they need, not just what they want.
I also
mentioned, in my previous post, that to Love God, you must love people. It says
so in 1 John 4:21, “And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must
also love their brother and sister.” Even if you don’t believe in God, I think
it can be agreed upon that showing love for people would greatly benefit our
world.
I know it’s
not easy for everyone to figure out what others need, so, I’ll try and lay it
out. First, the needs and theories of needs is varied and vast. There is, of
course, the most famous theorist Abraham Maslow, who believed we are motivated
by a hierarchy of needs. It’s important to note that there is not enough
substantial research to support his theory, nevertheless it is the most highly
accepted theory.
Kendra
Cherry explains his hierarchy in her article, “The Five Levels of Maslow's
Hierarchy of Needs,” and says, “As a humanist, Maslow believed that people have
an inborn desire to be self-actualized, that is, to be all they can be.” In
order to reach our full potential, we have to meet certain needs along the way.
The first four needs, “Physiological, security, social, and esteem needs are
deficiency needs, which arise due to deprivation.” We feel okay when they are
met, but anxious when they are not. The highest need of self-actualization is
categorized as a growth need. It’s not motivated by a lack of something, but
rather to grow towards something.
W. Huitt
simply summarizes:
1) Physiological: “hunger, thirst, bodily comforts, etc.”
2) Safety/security: “out of danger”
3) Belongingness and Love: “affiliate with others, be
accepted”
4) Esteem: “to achieve, be competent, gain approval and
recognition”
According
to Huit, Maslow later differentiated the growth of self-actualization into:
5) Cognitive: “to know, to understand, and explore”
6) Aesthetic: “symmetry, order, and beauty”
7) Self-actualization: “to find self-fulfillment and realize
one's potential”
8) Self-transcendence: “to connect to something beyond the
ego or to help others find self-fulfillment and realize their potential”
Maslow
believed that unless the lower basic needs were met, you couldn’t fulfill the
higher up needs. This has been disproven by many other researchers, who believe
we have all these needs, but don’t believe that they are in a hierarchy. In a
study published in 2011, researchers from the University of Illinois tested
this hierarchy and found, “while the fulfillment of the needs was strongly
correlated with happiness, people from cultures all over the world reported
that self-actualization and social needs were important even when many of the
most basic needs were unfulfilled.”
Other
theorists, such as William James and Mathes, proposed that there are three
levels of human needs, which include, “material (physiological, safety), social
(belongingness, esteem), and spiritual.” It is much like Maslow’s, but doesn’t
include self-esteem and security. Alderer suggested that there was only
“existence, relatedness, and growth” needs. Other theorists believe personality
plays a role in our needs, such as how extraverted or introverted someone is.
Ryan and Deci believe we have three needs that are not hierarchical, “the need
for autonomy, the need for competence, and the need for relatedness.” The
Institute for Management Excellence says our needs are: (1) security, (2)
adventure, (3) freedom, (4) exchange, (5) power, (6) expansion, (7) acceptance,
(8) community, and (9) expression. The theories and theorists go on and on.
Huitt
points out that though there is little agreement on human basic needs, “bonding
and relatedness are a component of every theory.” Clearly, in every person and
in every culture, this is important to us. Huit also points out something I
agree with, “Therefore, it seems appropriate to ask people what they want and
how their needs could be met rather than relying on an unsupported theory.”
The best
thing to do to find out what others need is to ask. Often, what people need is
very small, such as help with the dishes, some more attention, being told
something encouraging, giving someone their space, providing food, etc. Miki Kashtan explains that our
needs constantly change, because we can never fulfill all at once. When we
focus on getting enough money to buy food and pay for rent, we may neglect
spending time with others. When we focus too much time and energy on helping
others, we may neglect focusing on ourselves.
Of course, a
lot of people don’t know what they need, and I think that part of showing love
towards them is to try and figure it out. Understanding why people need what
they do is a big key factor in being able to give it to them. My favorite part
about being a coach, and particularly working with middle schoolers, is helping
them grow. This is part of their need to self-actualize, which for them means building
confidence and self-esteem. I remember middle school being among the most
awkward and horrible years of my life. So, it’s very rewarding to be able to
help my students in small ways and see them progress.
My team
every year mostly consists of girls, and I’ve learned that around this age group is
when girls drastically lose a lot of confidence in themselves. That’s why my
number one priority is to help them accomplish skills so that they can believe
in themselves more. I like to tell them that “I can’t” isn’t part of my vocabulary
and that I don’t know what it means. I don’t allow them to say those words. I explain
to them that they just haven’t been able to do it yet, but they can
eventually. I heard them muttering “yet” all throughout last year after I told
them this. It was pretty amusing.
Our needs
are so varied, and there are so many we can choose to help others with. It’s
not our job to help them with all of them, nor are we capable of doing so. Waitley
suggests that you ask someone you care about, “what life would be like if time
and money were not an object… if he or she had all the money and time needed to
engage in the activities and were secure that both would be available again
next year.” Then ask them what is keeping them from doing those things. Once
you find out their obstacles, you can try and help solve them.
Now, it’s
really important for me to mention that help shouldn’t ever be given
reluctantly, because neither should love. Though I like to find goodness
wherever I go, I’m very well aware that when I ask for help at work, sometimes
my co-workers get annoyed. Sometimes, no one wants to help. More often, they
are just too busy, because they have their own tables to take care of. There
are those who ask, “What do you need?” because they really desire to help, and
those who ask the same question because they feel obligated to help you. Often,
we tend to help those who have already helped us.
Obviously,
we don’t live in a world where everyone loves each other and wants to sacrifice
their own time and resources to give someone else what they need. That world
would be pretty amazing and filled with a lot of selfless people. Instead,
there are a lot of selfish people, and mostly people who are only willing to go
out of their way for a loved one, but not a stranger. Christians should be well
aware that we are commanded to love our friends and our enemies. Luke 6:27-28
(NIV) says, “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to
those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
Christians often hear that we love because we are loved. Thus, we aren’t
commanded to love others out of the goodness of our hearts, but instead God’s
love should flow through us. God has loved us even though we constantly make
mistakes and stumble. He shows us how to love others. I know that even for some
Christians, that isn’t enough to convince us to love everyone, even more so for
the non-religious.
I don’t
think I can convince anyone why it’s important to show love to strangers and
enemies. I think if it’s not already obvious, I can’t sway someone to make it
obvious. I will explain how I try to show love to my friends and family (showing
love to everyone else is an ongoing process). One of my best friends that I’ve
known for eighteen years, once told me she didn’t want to ask me for favors
because she didn’t want to burden me. When she told me this, I realized it was
my job to make sure I never made her feel that way, or anyone else I love. I
can’t say I do this very successfully, but I try very hard. When people feel
like a burden, they don’t ask for help, so it’s important to me to make others
feel like they can ask anything of me. It doesn’t mean that I can jump at
everyone’s request, but I want them to know that if I can help, then I will.
Showing
love for others is more than a commandment – it’s a necessity. When we don’t
want to be loving, it becomes a sacrifice to do so, which makes it that much
more important. How much would you sacrifice for your partner, your best
friend, or your family? How much would you sacrifice for a stranger? It’s the
small things – a kind word here, a dollar there, or listening without
interrupting. Sometimes people need very little, and sometimes they need a lot.
Are you willing to ask someone what they need?
Sources:
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