“The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.”
―
Steve Hall
A co-worker
came up to me the other day with a very odd request. She wanted me to write a Facebook
status about love and respect, because of a situation involving someone close
to her. She said that she had read some of my posts and just wanted me to write
this little thing for her, because she knew someone who was staying in an
abusive relationship. I was of course flattered, and did what she asked, but
what struck me the most was how many people I know right now who also needed to
learn more about love, respect, and abuse.
While doing
some research, I came across countless really amazing articles on the subject,
and honestly don’t have the time or energy to read them all. Nor do I think I
can do them justice by summarizing their content here. Links to them will
posted at the bottom of this post as always. As I was reading these articles of
how to spot abuse, shame that comes to the victims, and how love and respect
are mutual, I was very teary-eyed because there are too many people right now
who I wish would read these articles and take them to heart. They are people close to me who I love very much,
and each is going through a different kind of toxic relationship.
I thank God
for how blessed I am for my ability to walk away from unhealthy relationships.
I haven’t always, nor do I believe I’ll always be able to, but I know that I
don’t tolerate harmful relationships. I sometimes fear that this is even a
fault, because I walk away from a lot of potential relationships early on once
I spot something that will be a much bigger problem down the line. Not always,
but most of the time. I’m thankful that I’ve had a lot of people teach me what a good and bad relationship looks like. More importantly, I’ve had people
who love me, and who have showed me what kind of relationship I deserve,
whether it’s with a boyfriend, a friend, or with family. I am so thankful that
I am not mistreated by those who love me, but it breaks my heart to know that
it’s not like that for those who I love.
For my
loved ones who are in unhealthy relationships, I’ve already expressed my
feelings to them about what they deserve and what they can do, but I know I have
no control over their actions. I accept that it’s their life, their
decisions, and their path to walk. Still, I want to share my experience with a
toxic relationship I had, and then I want to share some loving words dedicated
to those I love and to anyone involved in a harmful relationship now.
With her
permission, I want to talk about my mom, who was not always the person that she
is today. Accepting a relationship with a significant other often starts with
the first relationship people ever have, which is with their parents. When parents
are good to us, we learn to accept that from others. When they mistreat us, we
either learn that it’s normal for others to mistreat us or to never accept that
kind of treatment from anyone else.
Before I go
into my story, I want to start by saying that I love my mom with all my heart
and she is and always has been an amazing mother. All of my life, she has
listened to every word I say to her, she has spent hours talking and listening
to me, she has taken a deep interest in every little detail of my life, and she
has always encouraged and believed in me more than anyone else ever has. But,
as she is well aware, she has also made mistakes. Mistakes that she learned
from her own upbringing.
My mom grew
up in abusive household, which included verbal and physical abuse. It was
normal to her, and how she thought every household was like. At seventeen, she
got involved with a guy who would beat her often, but since she had witnessed
her own parent’s physical fights, she also thought it was normal to get hit. My
mom is not a passive person though, and she definitely fought back, and
acknowledges her part in instigating her boyfriend. She doesn’t say this gave
either of them an excuse to abuse each other, but she takes responsibility for
her part in it. She got pregnant from him, and he beat her while she was
pregnant which resulted in a miscarriage. After that, she was told she would
never be able to get pregnant again.
No one had
ever told my mom that it wasn’t normal or acceptable to be physically or
verbally abused. No one had ever told her that she deserved better and could
walk away from that kind of situation. Not until a time when her boyfriend at
the time had beat her so bad that cops got involved. A female cop asked my mom
if she knew that no man is ever supposed to hit her. The cop told her no man is
supposed to ever hurt her that way. At seventeen, it was the first time she had
ever heard words like that, but she took them to heart and left her abusive
boyfriend.
Then my mom
met my dad, who, as she has often described, was the most caring and nicest man
she had ever met. By some miracle (what I like to think of myself anyway), my
mom accidentally got pregnant, even though she wasn’t supposed to be able to.
My dad was the first man to tell her that there is never a reason for a man to
lay a hand on a woman. However, my mom had a lot of growing to do, and from
what I’ve been told, she would abuse my dad. She would yell at him, hit him,
and even scream for him to hit her back. It was what she was used to, but he
never hit her. I have no memories of my mom physically abusing my dad, which
she eventually stopped doing, but I have plenty of her verbal abuse towards
him.
Regardless
of how my mom treated my dad, she never treated me the same way. When she was
pregnant, my aunt (my dad’s soon to be sister-in-law), told my mom to never hit
her baby. This was a strange notion to my mom, considering that her mom had
physically abused her and her siblings, and her older sister would hit her
daughter as well. In fact, as far as I’m aware, physical and verbal abuse has
not been uncommon among my mom’s family. My mom accepted my aunt’s words and
made a decision to never hit me or cuss at me. Throughout my entire life, my
mom has kept that promise.
My
mistreatment came in another less overt form. My mom had grown up with a lot of
wrong notions about respect, especially when it comes to authority figures. In
her world, someone older can treat someone younger however they want, but the
younger person can never mistreat the older person. In other words, a parent
can verbally abuse their child by cussing, putting them down, shaming them,
making them feel worthless, etc, but if the child ever speaks up or against it,
then that’s disrespectful. A child is never allowed to talk back, yell at, or
disrespect their parent (aunt, uncle, grandparent, etc) in any way.
Everyone
who knows my mom now never believe me when I say my mom used to be crazy and
didn’t always treat me the way she does now. She is much loved by a lot of
people, and shows respect to everyone. She has matured and grown so much, but I
remember a time when she wasn’t like that. If there is one word I can use to
describe my mom when I was a child, it would be angry. It’d be unfair to say
she was always angry, because she’s definitely always been a good mother, but
my most common and vivid memories of her involve her being very angry. She
wasn’t the kind of person to be level-headed, rational, or get mildly mad. She
was the person who would blow up over little things, yell and scream about
everything, and had no consideration for who was around.
I remember
her yelling at my dad often, to which he reacted with something of annoyance
and would just tell her to stop. I’ve been told of times when she was screaming
so much, that my uncle who lived with us, would take me to another room, which
sometimes infuriated her more because I was being “taken away” from her. The
worst part of her anger was that I was an only child and my parents stopped
living together when I was about five years old. So, whether I deserved it or
not, I got the full blast of her anger. She would take out her anger on me even
when I had done nothing wrong, or wasn’t involved in why she was angry at all.
I remember once, she had lost her keys. She was going crazy, looking all over
our small house and yelling at me to help her find the keys. Though she never
cussed at me, she didn’t refrain from doing it in front of me. I stood there in
front of her too terrified to tell her that they were in her hand. As I stood
there, she yelled at me saying why wasn’t I helping her look? Finally, all I
could do was point to her hands. As she always did after she took out her anger
on me, she became incredibly apologetic, completely changing her demeanor to
that of a concerned and caring mother. She took me into a hug and said she was
sorry for yelling at me and what a bad mother she was. I told her it was okay
and that she wasn’t a bad mother.
Many people
only saw my mom as this yelling monster, because it’s what stood out the most
to them. Not many got to see that my mom tucked me in every night, always asked
what I learned in school, or that we would laugh over the stupidest things.
They didn’t get to see that we would bake together and try to steal the batter
from the other to lick. Or that we would decorate together for the holidays,
and she wouldn’t ever do it without me. They didn’t see that we would have
water fights, and throw cups of water at each other in the house, until we ran
outside and she would grab the water hose.
When my
parents separated when I was eleven, my mom went crazier than she had ever
been. She became homeless for six months, and sometimes I would stay in motels
with her, even though my dad got married and had a nice house. No one
understood why I would move with my mom from place to place. Everyone else saw
an unhealthy and toxic relationship, in which my mom depended on me like a
parent never should depend on a child. What I knew was that my mom was my home,
and that didn’t exist with anyone else, not even with my dad who had a new
family. What I didn’t understand was that though my mom was my home, she wasn’t
a safe place at the time.
The turning
point in my mom becoming a different person, and our relationship becoming
healthier happened when I was fourteen. We were staying with my grandma, who
would put my mom down every day no matter what she did. Me and my mom would go
to the car a lot to spend time away from my grandma. My mom would cry to me
about her situation and her mom, and I was supposed to be the one to support
her. I don’t remember all the details of this one particular instance we were
in the car, but I remember I couldn’t keep quiet and listen anymore, because I
needed her support too, and I was so angry that she didn’t see that.
I yelled at
my mom in the car. I had never so much as talked back to her, because I was
taught to never disrespect my parents. But I was hurting and angry, so I yelled
at her. I told her that she didn’t care about me or about how I felt or how the
situation was affecting me too. I told her that I needed her, and that I
shouldn’t have to be her mom, she should act more like my mom. In my mom’s
world, these words and the way I yelled at her are considered disrespectful,
because how dare a child ever tell their parent how to be a parent. Thankfully,
my mom sat quietly and listened. Afterward, she didn’t yell at me. In fact, I
think she’s only yelled at me twice since then.
The road to
my mom being the person she is today has been long and filled with lots of
obstacles. I am so proud of my mom and all the good she has done for herself,
and now as a counselor, all the good she does for others. But my point in all
of this isn’t about her progress. It’s about our relationship and what I’ve
learned about abuse and toxicity.
Today, my
mom would never dream of yelling at me for any reason any more. She won’t take
her anger out on me. She won’t put me down or disregard what I have to say. She
makes sure she listens to my input and that we talk about things in a way that
respects both of us. These are the traits of a healthy relationship. One that
respects both people involved.
I used to
think that if I felt mistreated by mom, I wasn’t allowed to tell her anything
about it, because she was the parent and I was the child. I had to respect her
and she didn’t have to respect me. We both know better now.
What I
learned also applies to any kind of relationship, not just between parent and
child, but also between friends, significant others, employer and employee, and
the list goes on. Though I stuck by my mom’s side for the simple fact that she
was my mom, many other people use the excuse that they love the person. That’s
why they can’t leave them or walk away. Or other times, it’s because they don’t
know how to be alone, so they’d rather be with someone bad for them than have
no one at all. It’s also hard to walk away when you’ve been with someone for so
long that you just don’t know how to live your life without them. You’ve both
grown so attached and have been such an integral part of each other’s life that
the thought of not having that person there anymore tears you apart.
Whatever
the case, I want to share some words that come from a very loving and caring
place. Some of these are from the articles I’ve read, and others are reminders
to those I love:
- “It’s not shameful to love someone for who they could be, or for the person they led you to believe they were.” – from “Why do I Love my Abuser?”
- “There is nothing anyone could ever do to deserve to be abused.” – from “Dealing with Same After Abuse”
- “The truth is, even though you love your partner, you can’t “fix” another person.” – from “Why do I Love my Abuser?”
- “… just remember: you did your best, and you do not deserve to feel ashamed.” – from “Dealing with Shame After Abuse”
- You deserve respect just as much as you should always give respect to others.
- You can walk away from anything or anyone that is hurting you.
- You are wonderful and amazing, and I wish that you would only ever choose to be treated with love and respect by someone who is also wonderful and amazing.
- Abuse comes from somewhere, and it’s important to understand that, but it’s more crucial to know that it’s always a choice.
- The way someone treats you is never your fault. Ever. People will treat others with kindness or malice based on who they are, not what you’ve done.
- I know it feels good to have someone who shows you affection and tells you nice things, especially if you’ve never had that, but is it worth it to you for how much pain you’re constantly in?
- Even if you don’t feel strong enough to walk away, I hope you know that you are not alone in this.
- You are stronger than you think and worth more than you know.
- Even if you feel alone and overwhelmed, I hope you know that you are still very much loved.
- I know you know there are reasons you should walk away, and it’s understandable to find excuses to stay, but I hope you realize which one is better for you.
There’s a
really important lesson I learned that I couldn’t see when I was younger. My
mom was home – my place of comfort and security. It’s like that for many people
in relationships. That person becomes your rock, with whom you feel safe and at
peace. When that person stops being a safe place, it’s hard to accept, because
you still think about all of the good things. They can still make you laugh and
bring your happiness, but it’s a sign of toxicity when you’re more often in
pain and unhappy. At fourteen, I couldn’t see that my mom wasn’t a safe place
for me. As adults, we should get better at spotting that kind of thing, but
it’s not easy. However, there are usually others who can spot it for you, and
it’s wise to listen to those who care about you.
This
article is very helpful if you’re trying to spot it yourself – “5 Questions to
Ask Yourself if You Think Your Partner is Toxic.” No matter how much we love
someone, we have no control over their choices or even whether they can see how
they’re being mistreated. Even if we can’t show them, they can learn to see for
themselves by asking a few important questions: “Is it a pattern – something
that happens over and over again, over time?... Are they doing it to gain power
and control over you?... Is the relationship mutually beneficial?... Are you
expected to sacrifice when they won’t even compromise?... Do they respect your
needs?” Lastly, are you mostly happy, or do you spend most of your time being
confused or hurt? I would also add the questions: Is this what you want? Do you think you deserve better?
In the
above mentioned article, Melissa Fabello says, “Relationships aren’t easy – and
they aren’t always fun – but they’re not supposed to hurt.” It’s the same with
love. The article, “Why do I Love my Abuser?” sums up what I learned from my
relationship with my mom, “Love is something that is safe, supportive, trusting
and respectful. Abuse is not any of these things; it’s about power and control.
It IS possible to love someone and, at the same time, realize that they aren’t
a safe or healthy person to be around.”
I’m so
thankful that now both of my parents are a safe place for me.
I can go to my mom for everything and never have to worry about being judged or
looked down upon. I know that I’ll be listened to and respected. My dad is also
a foundation for guidance. My friends are my support who love me despite all my
flaws. My family loves me and cares about me. I am truly blessed. I pray the
same for all whom I love.
p.s. Love is Respect is a website dedicated to help people get through abuse and teaching about healthy relationships. I highly recommend this website, as well as Love and Respect
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